Should I Give My Kid a Smartphone? Parenting Children, Tweens, and Teens in the age of Technology, Smartphones, and Social Media

Parenting around technology is often overwhelming and scary

Parenting is often fraught with tricky topics that we are trying to navigate with our kids. Often it feels crucial to “get it right” for fear that we are somehow ruining them. One current hot topic in parenting is how we address technology usage, especially in regards to areas such as smartphones and social media with our children, tweens, and teens. While this is a topic parents have been wrestling with for a while, popular media has contributed to it being in the spotlight thanks to books like Jonathan Haidt’s “The Anxious Generation,” in which he posits a theory that the proliferation of technology usage among young people has led to a “rewiring of childhood,” replacing a more play-based youth to much ill effect. Also, the recent Netflix show “Adolescence” portrays a fictional account of how toxic aspects of social media can cause significant psychological harm among youth. 

So what are we parents supposed to make of all of this? How are we supposed to raise thoughtful, well-regulated, autonomous individuals who are prepared to engage and positively contribute to our world? Especially in this age of technology where AI is quickly becoming prolific and technology usage of all sorts is well integrated into all of our lives? 

As a psychologist and a parent of both a young teen and tween, I have been grappling with this a lot lately, both personally and professionally. Generally, my thoughts around any tricky parenting issue is to try to focus on three areas: 1. Building strong relationships with our kids where they know they can trust us and feel safe coming to us when things go awry and where they are supported in a way that they learn to trust themselves, 2. Provide them with lots of education regarding why we have various rules and expectations so that they can learn to make decisions for themselves and problem-solve when they are in tricky situations, and 3. Consider the long-term aim of supporting our kids in ways that allows them to develop the ability to manage their own lives. This generally happens by gradually giving them more independence and autonomy. Yes, they will sometimes make mistakes or screw up or fail but this learning process is how they grow and develop the resiliency they will need to weather challenges throughout their lives. 

When considering all of this within the context of technology, the question remains as to where exactly should these lines be around access versus limit setting? When are kids able to handle this type of responsibility? And how do we do all this without inadvertently screwing them up? The pressure feels great and the opinions feel strong and the judgment from other parents about our personal decision making often feels very real. 

The truth is that our kids are digital natives. They are introduced to technology from birth and engage with it in a way that feels much more natural to them than it typically does for parents, as most of us have grown up alongside the development of computers, internet, cell phones, social media, and now artificial intelligence. And despite how much energy we put into thinking and talking about all of this, the truth is that there really is very little research on it. So we are operating without anyone really having any hard “evidence” on what works best. 

Some Reassuring News

All of this is why I found it so reassuring this week when I was scrolling though my own social media account and stumbled upon the Life in Media Survey (https://www.usf.edu/arts-sciences/departments/journalism/lifeinmediasurvey.aspx), which is a brand new study from the University of South Florida that looked at the impact of cell phone and social media usage among over 1500 11-13 year olds. And here were the surprising results…

Smart phone ownership was actually associated with increased well-being. Yes, that is not a typo. The kids in the study who owned smartphones reported more time hanging out with peers in-person, engaged in larger amounts of physical activity, were less likely to report having been cyber-bullied, and smart phone ownership had no association with anxiety or depression.  

This is not to say that parents should give their kids unlimited tech access without limits or guidance. As with most things, there were also causes for concern that parents should be attuned to. For example, the survey also found that the impact of cyberbullying, even when it was limited, was quite significant; frequent posting on social media was associated with greater symptoms of depression and anxiety; kids who sleep with their cell phones get less sleep than those who don’t, and a lack of sleep can cause deficits across many areas of functioning. While this data just gives us an initial snapshot among these youth, the goal is to follow participants over the next 30 years, which would provide a comprehensive understanding of the role and impact of technology usage across the lifespan. 

While we shouldn't put too much stock in one study, this does suggest that kids and technology is a nuanced topic that would benefit from a nuanced parenting approach

So what does all of this mean? First of all, we need more research. Lots of it. This is the first study of its kind and it is important to see if these results can be replicated and applied to a larger population, and also how things change over time. Second of all, I think it ultimately shows us what a nuanced topic technology usage is. And as such, it requires a nuanced approach. As with most things, a one size fits all is unlikely to be appropriate. 

Recommendations and considerations for how parents can support technology usage with their kids, tweens, and teens

As a parent, here are some general guidelines that you may find it helpful to consider:

1. Keep in mind that technology is first and foremost a tool. It is not going anywhere and ultimately your goal should be to help support your kids in developing a healthy and responsible relationship with it. 

2. Recognize that while the concerns are valid, there are also some very positive aspects to your child having access to technology. Three benefits of cell phones and technology access that I think are particularly important to consider are 1. It facilitates your child’s ability to safely navigate the physical world more independently. You can reach them and they can reach you as is necessary.  2. Phones can function as an important social tool as kids develop and become more peer-centric. It gives them the ability to independently engage with friends and make plans. As long as they are doing so appropriately, this is healthy and important. 3. It can give people the opportunity to explore, cultivate, and build community around their interests. We tend to focus on the negative with this but kids also use it to learn things like complicated dance moves, creative cooking techniques, or to follow their favorite athletes or sports teams. They can also use it to build important tech-related skills like coding, graphic design, and video editing. How inspiring!

3. Know your kid and your family. What is right and appropriate for one child is not going to work for another. Meet your child where they are at regarding their specific needs and adjust your rules accordingly. Similarly, the parameters that are manageable and a good fit for one family may not work for yours. Feel free to set the rules that work best according to your needs.

4. Teaching your kids about responsible technology usage is not a “one and done” situation. Instead, think of it as a process and an ongoing conversation. Get curious about their engagement- What specifically do they like doing? How does it make them feel? What is fun about it? What is not so fun? Starting from a place of connection and interest will give you a better understanding of their relationship to technology and also lay groundwork for expressing your feedback and concerns.

5. When introducing a smartphone or any new device, it is much easier to start slow, with more rules and limits in place, which you can gradually adjust or relax as you judge to be appropriate. You always have more control in the beginning, when your kids will generally agree to almost anything. So consider things like having them sign a contract agreeing to certain terms, have parental controls in place, set it up so that you need to approve any new apps, and generally limit apps and internet browsers.

6. If you find that problems are arising around technology, you can always pull back and implement stricter rules. Your child won’t like it and will almost certainly put up a fuss, but you can do it. If you find yourself in this situation, it may be helpful to see if you can get them to agree that there is some sort of problem (e.g., is there something they aren’t getting done? Is it making them cranky or irritable? Is it causing conflict with others?), remind them of the overall goal of helping them develop a healthy relationship with tech, and then see if they are willing to collaborate around (or at least begrudgingly accept) these new limits. And even if they are unwilling to engage in this discussion, you have at least framed everything around your desire to support your child around specific problems, which can help with any feelings of guilt or discomfort that you may have about doing something that you know upsets your child.

7. Pay attention to your own technology usage. Remember “more is caught than taught” and you are modeling behavior for your kids. Think about what you are nonverbally communicating about how, where, and when phone usage is acceptable. And consider putting limits in place for yourself. You can set rules like “no phones at the dinner table” or “no screens after 8pm” or whatever works for you that feels like it builds healthy and sustainable habits.

8. Try to keep devices primarily in public spaces. Be intentional about how much you allow them to have them in private spaces such as their bedrooms. This will help you have a better general sense of what they are up to. They are far less likely to be engaging with illicit content or usage if you are in the next room.

9. Please, please consider banning phones and devices from their rooms overnight. Get them a regular, old fashioned alarm clock, sound machine, etc. Phones are extremely distracting, especially with notifications constantly going off. And sleep is so important to just about every aspect of growth and development. Prioritize this. 

10. Be especially cautious of certain app features such as location sharing or disappearing messages. Strongly consider limiting these things until your kids are older and developmentally ready to handle them. Have conversations about how things like this can be harmful, like considering the impact of noticing a bunch of kids hanging out someplace your child wasn’t invited to, or how people may be more likely to put hurtful content in messages they think will disappear (even though anything can be screenshot so nothing is ever temporary).

11. Keep an eye on your kids with games and apps where there are frequent stimuli changes and “rewards.” Although not much research has been done on this, I worry that for certain kids, these types of media can contribute to both attention fragmentation and difficulty regulating themselves, both emotionally and around usage. If you notice this happening, consider implementing strong limits around usage or even a complete break from screens for several days or a week or more to allow their brains a chance to “reset.” Many parents have report that while their kids may be very angry about this at first, after a couple of days they are much calmer and more engaged.

12. If you notice instances of cyberbullying, take it seriously. It is real and can be harmful and when it happens over technology, there can be a pervasiveness to it that is extremely difficult to escape. One defining characteristic of bullying is that it involves an unbalanced power dynamic and as a result, a victim needs to clearly be protected by the adults and others who have the power to do so. And if you learn that your child is the perpetrator, it is important to clearly let them know that this behavior is not okay.  Try to cultivate empathy for the harm that actions like that can cause, take it as a sign that they clearly aren’t able to handle the responsibility of whatever technology or social media  has been contributing to the issue, implement appropriate rules or limits, and engage appropriate professionals as is necessary.

13. Remember, you are always allowed to use statements such as “I need to think about this,” or “That isn’t working for me,” or “Why don’t we try this first” if there is something you are unsure of,  uncomfortable with, or just want to get more information on. This is a long game and you don’t generally need to agree to anything immediately. 

    
    

Personally, all of these strategies are things I have utilized for myself, my family, and my children. I’ll be honest, technology can be a personal trigger for me because I also tend to feel like the stakes are high to get this right. It is something I am personally working to find my own balance on. However, one of my biggest takeaways from the Life in Media Survey is that while it is important to stay aware and attuned to our kids’ engagement around all of this, there is likely more breathing room around it and for the most part is probably isn’t screwing our kids up as much as we fear. With my own family, we do have missteps, screen usage is somewhat more than I think is probably ideal, and technology can be an emotional topic, but overall we talk about it a lot, and when problems arise we are constantly revisiting and revising. 

Best of luck as you continue to navigate this with your own family. What do you think of these suggestions? Did I leave anything out that has been particularly helpful to you? Any of these that you have tried and that have backfired? I'd love to hear your feedback!